A Graceful Disaster

My daughter and I went to Washington DC for Spring Break and then after, we went to Corpus Christi.  I just got home last night and I am exhausted.  Today was my first day back to school and I could hardly write.  I haven't touched my machine for a whole week. 

Time to get back to my normal schedule.  It was fun and I'm looking forward to going back.

All is back to normal since last post.  Of course, you just forget and move on until next time.

This week we've been getting ready for Olivia's first dog show.  She will be using Peanut, our chihuahua, since Howie isn't 6 months yet.  They are having a costume contest.  Here is a picture of them without the handcuffs and mustache.

I'm tired of being expected to do everything and on top of that doing it perfect.  All he does is go to work and come home and sleep.  Yeah, he may have terrible 12 hour shifts but shit put a little effort into something!!!  I go to school full time on top of studying and practicing, take care of the house, the bills, any deadlines including those for the kids school work.  I take the kids to their afterschool projects and discipline.  Yet, if I don't freaking discipline them properly (say if by chance I lose my temper) i get the nod of disapproval.  I get notice of when I didn't take care of something or how it should have been done better.  God forbid I pay a bill late.  Shit!!! get off your fucking ass and participate!  Yeah he pays my tuition and every fucking thing now but hell sometimes it aint worth it.  Yesterday I locked myself in my room the whole day with movies and my laptop.  I'm still pissed. 

On top of that, I get no respect from the kids.  If I'm not yelling, no one is listening.  Sometimes I just want to run away....far away. 

-Well it's a new year!  I don't think I have many resolutions except to try to read my Bible more and go to church more often.  Also to journal more.  My kids are growing up and I'm missing events that need to be written down for the future.

-We got the kids a Wii finally and an Xbox 360.  Olivia got a puppy.  Yes, another pet.  We got a border collie named Howie.  Olivia will be showing him in the 4H Dog Project she is in.  Starting with obedience and agility.  If I knew how to add pictures to this, I would.  I got an Ipod Itouch 32 GB.  My husband loves me.  I wasn't expecting anything because he is supporting me through school and paying my tuition without any complaints.  I guess he realizes I'm in it for the long haul.

- I start school next Wednesday and I'm excited to go back.  I'm anxious to get moving up in speeds and graduating.  I was disappointed to find out that I won't be graduated until December 2009 or May 2010.  The last 3 classes we need to take all start at 8:00 am.  Meaning, I have to take them in 3 semesters.  Sucks!!!!  Even if I got to 225 wpm tomorrow, I still have those three classes/semesters. 

-My brother has mentioned that he was moving to Houston but I never believe him/anyone until it actually happens.  He's been hinting about moving in with me for a bit while the tries to find a job here.  So I'm excited.  Seems like it may actually happen. 

-I started the Atkins diet and I've made it to Day 4.  I've lost 3 pounds so far (but could just be water weight).  I'm not sure how much I'm going to enjoy this diet but I've done some research and it seems to be a good diet.  I'm desperate.  Between school and the kids and practicing I don't have time to consistently work out.  I live in front of that court reporting machine.  My obstetrician talked me into the diet.  She loved it and lost so much weight on it.  She looked great when I saw her.  She raved about it my last visit, so we'll see if I can be as enthusiastic as she.  So far I've been craving everything sweet and going through withdrawals, but I'm hanging on.

- Some people may not know but I have this fetish for planners.  I love the organizers group here on LJ and it has me wanting a new bigger sized planner.  Recently on my last visit to the galleria, I fell in love with the Filofax Finchley A5.  I have put all my old planners on ebay and hoping to purchase the Finchley soon.  His name will be "Finch."  I'll have pics on Flickr soon.

-Well off too my practicing.

There is a disease called "animal hoarding" which causes people to feel the need to continually take in animals and end up taking in hundreds.  You always see those people in the news.  Well I think I have that disease.  I have two dogs and two cats (although one is an outside cat and my dogs are inside/outside). 

I went to a trade center and fell in love with a maltipoo so much so that I have been dying to get one.  Of course my husband says that's enough pets but I have yet to stop searching the web for maltipoos.  I thought I wanted a big dog and decided upon a border collie, then started running into people who talked highly of poodles.  I like the fact that poodles are smart but they are not attractive to me. 

I have a yorkie and my daughter has a chihuahua -- that should be sufficient.  It's the dang disease, i know it.

There are certain rules that we have to abide by in our school.  These rules are to be taught and emphasized on the first day of theory.  We have 10 minute breaks between classes and that is the only time you are allowed to make any noise because during class periods we usually are testing.  We need to pass 3 tests per speed to move up so these tests are very important and any distraction can cause the person attempting a test to go crazy and possibly slash your tires if not worse.  We are not allowed to have our cell phones on, even on vibrate.  If it rings or vibrates, we can't test for that whole week.  We also have a soda machine in the hallway that makes so much noise that we are not allowed to purchase a soda outside of breaks.  The consequence to those who choose to purchase one in their ignorance is to have a wide-eyed, crazed 120 teacher run out of class, arms flailing about, sputing out words that I would rather not repeat.  I always thought this was crazy until I found it difficult to catch every word because of someone hacking in class or even huffing and puffing because they can't keep up.  Now I get why these rules are enforced. 

So the other day, I was hacking but I made sure to clear my throat before the test and hold it in during a test.  Well this "woman" tells me I need to leave class.  I assured her it wouldn't happen during a test but I was furious inside.  All this time, I've been holding in my frustration towards her because she constantly moves during the tests mostly just shaking her head in frustration or shrugging her shoulders but since she insists on sitting right next to me, it just seems to be magnified during a test and out of respect for her 50 years in age and the fact that she is one of the 4 in my class that are left from the 25 that started out in my theory class.  (yes, 21 people from my theory class have dropped).  We sort of shared a bond since we started out together and I thought we were close friends.

I thought I got over it until this monday.  We were in the middle of the test and she starts messing with her paper and paper tray.  Of course, I lost my concentration and obviously didn't pass the test.  Instead, everything just starting boiling over inside ---thinking about the nerve of her tellling me not to cough when she isn't considerate herself.  So after the test, I tell her (probably in more frustration that I intended) to quit moving during the tests.  

Guess what she does:  In the middle of testing, she starts packing up her bags causing the instructor to stop all dictation and ask her if she was okay, makes us wait for her to pack up (which is not a small task since you have to pack up your machine) and then when she finally exits, the instructor starts the test only to be interrupted with "woman" throwing her stuff in frustration outside of the classroom.  She was so pissed at me.  Everyone just looked at me with wide eyes as if to say "poor grace, your ass is toast."  I fully expected my tires to be slashed or my car keyed (which incidently just happened to an instructor's nice new acura).  

Now I would think a 50 year old woman would be mature about the situation but I swear she acted worse than my 7-year-old.  

I'm sure she is frustrated that she was ahead of me in speed because I took a semester off trying to decide if court reporting was for me and of course I caught up and actuallly moved up to my 120s last Monday.  She hasn't passed any of her three 100s.  I was even giving her tips that I did and trying to encourage her (genuinely).  

Since then she has sat across the room from me in the class we have together (Testimony/QA) and has avoided me altogether.  I initially was going to apologize to her for my frustration.  I probably could have waited until after class to confront her.  Who knows if she would have reacted any different.  Well since she avoids all contact with me and she comes in late and runs out of class I kind of just decided to leave her alone and not bring it up again.  I actually tried calling her the day of but her phone said she wasn't accepting any calls EVERY TIME I called.  Not sure if it was just me she wasn't accepting calls from.  

I've actually been doing better in class and am not so frustrated with my progression.  I'm not sure what happened but i see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I think it just took moving up a speed to encourage me.  I also found a great site www.briefpedia.com.  They give you tons of briefs for a word and ALSO tell you what conflicts there may be.  Excellent resource.  

 

Our kitten, Turok, has these huge “balls” which my son calls “cherries.” As I was getting dressed one morning this week I hear the following conversation between my son and my husband:

 

Son: “What are his cherries for?”

 

Husband: “The same as what yours are for?”

 

Son: “Well, what are they for, I don’t know?

 

Husband: “To propagate.” 

 

Son: “What does propagate mean?”

 

Husband: “Look it up in the dictionary.”

 

My son is 8 years old and I’m not sure when it’s a good time to talk about things such as these but I’m thinking I’ll have to be the one to inform him from now on. You think?

I’m feeling very lonely right now. I don’t feel like I have any friends and I don’t feel like Rene talks to me anymore. Sometimes I don’t look forward to the future. Except for my kids, I don’t feel I have anything to look forward to. As far as life. This isn’t suicide I’m thinking of, it’s just lack of motivation.  I’m struggling through school and wondering whether this is for me or where God wants me to go but I can’t tell anyone. I can’t fail. Too many people are expecting it and Rene is depending on me not to. I don’t want to quit but I feel pressure to bring in money because of the debt we have. I want to be able to take my time with no pressure but I feel it. Am I putting it on myself? I don’t know. I’m not close to God and I feel that everytime I want something is when I start praying. Does God feel taken advantage of? I wonder. I see the kids in school passing me up and it discourages me so much. They all have friendships and I can’t seem to connect to them. Is it my personality? I feel like I’m fun and friendly but I guess I’m not. Am I like my mother? I hope not.

We evacuated because of Hurricane Ike and when we got back to our home, all the broken trees had been picked up and chopped up (by a handsaw) neatly organized.  They had cleaned up a tree that fell in our backyard also.  How sweet is that?  I was so touched that they would do that for us and I can't think of a good way to thank them.  Since the power has been out, we haven't been able to buy groceries yet so I wouldn't be able to make them dinner anytime soon nor a gift certificate to a restaurant since most restaurants have no power.  What do you think?

Before I started studying to be a court reporter I used to work as a legal secretary making a nice income, but after a few changes, I decided in a change in careers.  Well the law firm I worked at is hiring and I am sooo tempted.  I knew court reporting would be hard but what is even harder is the lack of income coming in at this point.   Especially after this hurricane, I need the money to fix up a few things.

In my heart I know I will regret it for the rest of my life.  I can't give up.  I've worked so hard and I hope one day it will be worth it.

I just came home today and my house is fine.  We evacuated Thursday because we were within the 15 foot surge area and I went to my parent's home.  OMG.  I cannot stand to be around my mother anymore.  It was terrible.  I think I would have rather stayed home to face the hurricane. 

We just got power and I'm relieved to be home.  I'm tired from living out of a suitcase for a week.   My cats were fine.  I left them at home because my neighbor assured me things would be fine, but I worried for a whole week.  I'll never do that again.  Especially since I had to deal with my mother's wrath and her calling me an animal abuser.  Hey, on a side note, I got her grandkids out safely.  Not sure she cared.

I ask myself that every day.  Monday, I had a bad day.  I was very confident that I had passed a test and I didn't.  I didn't even come close.  And what made it worse was that Holly passed it.  You tend to measure yourself to others around you who have the same circumstances and she had been struggling before.  We are the same age and both have children and she passed with flying colors.  I swear I wanted to quit right then and there. 

Now I know that I can't compare myself to others but it's kind of human nature.  I really was doubting myself and whether this is for me or not.  What else would I do though?  I love court reporting.  I finally found something I would enjoy but crap it is a pain in the freaking ass. 

I stayed home today from school because my son seemed to have a fever this morning, so my classmates probably think I really meant it when I said I was quitting, since I rarely miss class.  I've decided not to put so much pressure on myself and let myself progress without pressure.  (ha, let's see how well I do when someone else passes a test)

My son said something funny today that I needed to jot down in my journal.  My male dog was humping another dog and Ryan says:  "He's trying to get on the dog like a cowboy."  How funny is that. 

Well it seems another hurricane is coming our way.  I'm so apathetic about it.  Someone in my class actually said:  "I hope it goes to Mexico, there's NOTHING there [emphasis is mine]."  I really want to bitch about that comment.  I'm not exactly from Mexico, but I'm Hispanic and I didn't appreciate the tone she had.  

Well my daughter is going to Washington DC for spring break.  Rene and I are both trying to decide which of us should go with her.  I've been already and I'd gladly let Rene go but she wants her mother of course.  He can go with Ryan in 3 years.  Not sure what the right thing to do here.  

While I'm bitching, i'm kind of angry at my cousin.  I didn't have a sister but she was the closest to a sister that I've ever had.  I was very close to her when we were young but she had some family problems and so we kind of lost touch but I've always considered her special.  During a conversation with her, she was telling me that she couldn't get a hold of another relative of hers because she wanted her to be godmother to her son.  Then as the lightbulb just went off she asked me to do it in the spur of the moment saying "i can have 2 godmothers."  I tried to blow it off.  I would have been very expensive to fly in such short notice nor did I feel like it after realizing that I was an afterthought.  Wow.  There are a million emotions that I'm feeling at the moment just thinking about it; so I'll just end it here for now. 

Off the practice.....

Well I've adjusted to my new schedule along with my kids back in school.  I was excited to get back but then it was discouraging to see all the younger students moving up in speed faster than I'm moving.  I guess I've hit a plateau and I hate it.  I can't see myself getting to 225 but I won't give up.  Maybe it was all the brain cells I killed while I was younger---dang alcohol!!! 

We had a family reunion the prior weekend that was quite fun.  I usually hate seeing my folks especially since I don't feel like I've accomplished much in the last few years but it was nice seeing them again. I have a funny clip of my niece standing under the pinata while it falls on her.  Watch for it on American's Funniest Home Videos.  

And this past weekend I had to deal with possibly having to evacuate for Hurricane Gustav.  Thank God we didn't have to.  It hasn't even rained here, but now that I said that, I'm sure it will.

The kids are loving school and have good teachers.  That's a plus.  Hopefully this semester will go by smoothly.  After I get out of my 120s I feel I can breathe easier and no I'll be closer to finishing.  If it weren't for the teacher from hell I know I'd be ahead, but I guess we need to be pushed to the limits.  I know now why there is a shortage in court reporting.  Well actually why the dropout rate is so high. 

I am taking a Realtime class and she is in there 2 days a week and I hate going in on those days.  She is so impatient, knows nothing about computers and quite frustrating.  

I've been watching Big Brother.  I haven't watched tonight's show but I'm nervous that Dan may be getting kicked off.  I also watch Total Drama Island with my daughter.  Hilarious.  

Well until next time...... 

although I felt like the world was ending.  It all started when the doorbell rang and I was served a citation.  I was being sued for old credit card debt.  After that is seems the flood gates were opened and I got 2 more after that.  From then on, life seemed to have downspiraled to a life of depression and anxiety.  I had no idea how I was going to pay that and even if I had to find a way that would have meant quitting school.  I didn't eat for 5 days (maybe about 1500 calories in those days if that), I was pacing and everytime the doorbell rang, I had this panic attack that had me in the fetal position with my heart pounding in my ears.  (To this day, I hate the door bell ringing).

I missed a week of school, resorted to drinking myself to sleep, and finally decided to visit my doctor and got drugs for anxiety.  They were almost as great as the epidural I got when I was giving birth.  But still I didn't know what I was going to do and how I was going to resolve this.  Now I can really see how people have committed suicide over credit card debt.  I swear I will never own a credit card EVER again.  I never realized that I wasn't strong enough to take something like this on.  I was acting as if I was going to be put in jail or even worse.  It was the worst feeling.  I couldn't even see a law firm commercial (which is all you see when at home during the afternoon) without having a darn panic attack.

So then my husband --- my sweet husband--- who I always bitch about, pulled out enough money from his 401K to pay off the debt and enough to anticipate more (yes, I have more debt that has to be dealt with).  

I have never been more grateful to him and have never felt so much relief.  Today, I Fedx'd 2 of the settlement checks which will eventually cause a dismissal of the lawsuits and have one more to work on, but I have been able to finally come up for air and out of the medication haze i've put myself and kept myself in for the past month.  

On a good note, I have lost 10 pounds, and I passed out of my 80s and into my 100 QA class (which was a miracle in itself).  I'm past the weed out point and into the class of the survivors.  I just was in no mood to celebrate that at all.   AND I'll be debt free at the end of this.

Hopefully, the depression will end and I'll have some motivation back in my life.....as long as the doorbell doesn't ring again.  I'm seriosly thinking of having it removed because of posttraumatic stress syndrome. 

Well I'm back in court reporting school and i'm so happy to be back.  I decided not to work for the asshole that was making my life miserable for 3 weeks.  I remembered why I ended up leaving that career in the first place.  I was a week late but the dean of the school said for me to come on back and I literally made a u-turn on the freeway on my way in to work for the jerk.  I told them to find someone else.   So now I am trying to catch up with my speed.  I'm in my 80s but hoping to be in my 100s within a month.  That's the goal.  I calculated how much i have left and I only have 5 classes left to be able to take my state exam (as well as type 225) so there' s no way anything is swaying me again from finishing.  

I always said I didn't want to have a marriage like my parents --- well I DO!  I'm hating life right now.  

Don't you wish you could have a "do-over"? 

Well since I'm going for a test drive with the attorney I"m working for I decided to royaly screw up and see how he reacted.  (okay not purposely).  Yesterday,  I transferred a call to the wrong extension (since the phone lines don't have extensions only names and you can only transfer a call using an extension--well I screwed up) and he finally blew up!  Over a phone call.  Why do I always get attorneys like this---I know they aren't all that way because I see all the other attorneys around me.  I am a magnet for tyrants!  Now I'm trying to figure out whether I want to work for this guy or not.  I"m so glad we got to try each other out.  

The money they are offering is 10,000 more than I was getting paid at my old law firm and right now that sounds very tempting but will I be happy in the long-term.  It's just a job and who really is happy with their jobs?  

Today was a much better day although he yelled at me on paper with THOSE ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMMATION POINT because spellcheck missed something and I wasn't consistent on formatting.  Geez!!  I was too busy freaking out about all the other things he was pissy about to make sure I didn't get yelled at.  You can never win with them.  

The one good thing I found out is that the new location they are planning to move to is across the street from my old firm so I can see my friends whenever I want to and I have made some good friends already at this firm (since it is only 10 attys and 4 secys it's quite easy to get comfortable).  The bad news is that I  will have to go to Philadelphia to train for 3 days.  That's 3 days away from my babies.  

We shall see.

 I hate working as a temp, even as a temp-to-hire.  I was told today that the partner I'm working for was very happy with me and has decided to stop interviewing, although he still wants to try me out for a few weeks before putting out an offer.  He seems to get quite pissy over small mistakes which I do not like and right before I left--which was 45 minutes after hours---I was in such a rush that I know I forgot to do one thing.  Now I have this yukky feeling that he's going to go ahead and ask for more resumes because he changed his mind about me.  Why am I so insecure?  I know  I am good at what I do.  Will I enjoy working for him?  I guess we shall see, but I hate this feeling I have. 

Since I last wrote, I was so excited that a new semester of court reporting was starting and I was practicing my little fingers off.  But since then, I got an offer for a temp to hire position and a nice law firm (as a secy) with a nice salary (if I got the position).  I have been sick to my stomach that I am putting my children back in daycare and getting back in the routine.  I will miss picking them up from school and seeing their faces for more hours than usual.  I am not looking forward to coming home at 6:30 or 7 at night BUT I am excited about the paychecks coming in and all the exciting things I plan to do with my kids.  No more "when I graduate, we'll go here or there or I'll buy you this or that."

It's just a job and I'll make due.  I have 8 more years with my kid and I want to save for college and everything else I'd like to do with her.  I'm sure I would have been happier as a court reporter and I know I may have some regrets later in life but oh well.  It would have been a long hard road that I'm not sure I'm up for.   

I'm up now because I checked my email and it turns out I don't need to go in to work on Monday.  (This is after the HR lady really tried to talk me into going, cancelling my plans to go to Dallas, and now I'm told no one will be in the office.)  But I can't get angry if I want he position, can i?  The attorneys seem to be nice but of course they will be on their best behavior in the beginning.

We'll see what happens.  I guess I can always change my mind.  I'll keep my stenograph machine just in case.  Another alternative is going to court reporting school online?   Hmmm.

What good is loyalty?  Sometimes I wonder where I would be if I wasn't so loyal.  At this point, I think I would be in a better place.  

I'm not sure why I'm so down.  The fact that I'm in school to possibly better myself and hopefully have a more rewarding career in court reporting should make me feel that the path I've chosen will eventually be a blessing, but right now I don't feel that way.

I worked for the same attorney for around 10 years and in those 10 years I had offers to take positions elsewhere but when approaching him about leaving, he always talked me into staying.  Even at one point saying "he'd make sure I was taken care of."  If he were asked about that today, he would probably deny it.  Did he take care of me?  NO.   

I think back to one position where the secretary and attorney really wanted me to work for them and learn patent prosecution and trademarks, and telling me not to give in to his guilt trip.  Well I gave in with that stupid line that he'd take care of me.  Right now I would have had a secure job with a great attorney and gained some experience that I'm lacking now which is keeping me from getting a nice job.  

I can't help being so bitter and angry.  That instance, on top of others, makes me kick myself over and over for choosing to be loyal to someone who has no loyalty himself.  

No I'm not going postal!  I am angry at myself.  I was so religious and felt that being loyal is what God would have wanted me to do.  WHERE ARE MY BLESSINGS NOW?  Yes, I may be struck down by that statement.  I do have healthy children, I do have a roof over my head and food on the table, but I honestly feel that I was betrayed and it hurts STILL.